Attack of the Bad Fanfiction
by Miyaka the Swordmaster
Summary: A parody of all the horrible fanfiction in our world. Semi-gift for Zarla. Enjoy, but try not to let your brain explode. (Chapter 3 UP! If you can call it a chapter, that is...)
1. Insert Title Here

(Author's Note: This story isn't serious. If you're curious as to WHAT THE HELL INSPIRED ME it was a picture Zarla drew of Edgar stabbing Nny. I commented on it with a "script" she found hilarious, so I decided I'd expand the scenario a bit and make it into some horrible parody of every overdone slash fic in history. Inspiration for THAT came from yet ANOTHER pic she drew. Well, not quite, it was more a series of pics than anything. Okay, this is getting too long, so I'll just start already. You've been warned.)

We begin our tale of magic and wonder in a high school. This is a high school full of angst and horror and terror and destruction and mayhem, and most of the students are suicidal goth my-eye-color-changes-with-my-mood girls who desperately need boyfriends. This is because this is the way fanfics go, you see.

Two of our darling said students are standing by their lockers. One is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL OMG HAWTT guy who kills people and has very spiky hair. Not like Cloud Strife kinda spiky. Haha, that'd be funny. Well, anyway, this man here goes by the name of Johnny and you will never know his full last name because we hate you like that. See?

His compatriot is Edgar. Our beloved little Edgar is one hot mama, because everyone has to be attractive in fanfiction. It's the laws of nature. Today Edgar has decided he's going to declare his UNDYING love for his darling little HAWTTEE right here and now! Isn't that right Edgar?

Edgar: Yes.

I thought so.

Anyway, see, Edgar decided that he wanted to make everyone sew jellies, especially all the gills, so he decided that everyone who read the fic _Vargas_ that Zarla wrote is going to be bombarded with a horrible yet humorous interpretation of a picture she drew. Isn't that riiiiight?

Edgar: Yes.

Edgar agrees with me because I kidnapped all the plot bunnies that supposedly bite off the arms of bad fic writers and I threatened to kill them if he didn't comply with everything I requested. Don't ask questions, kiddies, or I'll kill them RIGHT HERE AND NOW. Capice? Yeah, I thought so.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a CAR DRIVES THROUGH THE HALLWAY AND DEATH ITSELF IS AT THE DOOR WE'RE AT DEATH'S DOOR because the most beautiful girl EVER has driven into the hallway on her gorgeous new automobile. So, wait, scratch that. It's an ambulence-motorcycle-electric-gas-guzzling-SUV-truck-hybrid, because Mary Sues need Suemobiles. Maybe the plot bunnies raised the money. I have no idea.

This girl is incredibly hot and beautiful and sexy and you want her right now because she's good-looking with no explanation as to why she's so captivating. Actually, there IS an explanation, but it's so wordy I doubt you could make any sense of it. So let's just go with this.

Suddenly the girl latches onto Edgar's arm like a piranha!

Girl: I WANT YOU OMGZ BCUZ IF I DON'T ILL DY KUZ I NEED YOU LYK RITE NOW OKEEZ NOW LETZ GO

Edgar: I realize you've jut spoken in utterly nonsensical "English" and I don't even know you, but on the other hand, a plot bunny has just threatened to kill me if I don't give into your incredible beauty. Let's go have sex.

Just then, Johnny goes all JEALOUSY on us. Whoops, I think one of the plot bunnies broke free. Screw this. Well, anyway, he runs up and grabs Edgar's arm because

Nny: MY EDGAR! LET GOOOOOOOO!

and that is totally in-character because this is fanfiction and EVERYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN FANFICTION AND I'M THE AUTHOR I AM GOD SO I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

Then Edgar's arm RIPS OFF.

Nny: O NOS IM SEW SORREE EDGUR LETZ GEW HAV SEKZ SEW WE KEN MAYK UP!11!1one

Whoops, looks like someone got plot bunny rabies! I told the gatekeeper to stand watch! DARN HIS EYES!

Edgar: Okay!

And then the Mary Sue vanishes because her only purpose was for plot advancement. That's a new vocabulary word, boys and girls! Learn it and learn it well.

After having incredibly wild and untamed and OOC and six-minute-long and awesome sex involving bizarre euphemisms for sex organs, a plot bunny scampers across the screen. This is a scene advancement screen, ya know, like in those movies? Yeah.

Johnny is now a vampire because if you wear black, that makes you a vampire. Hermione – I mean, Black Shock, is a great example of this.

Nny: I'm a vampire! Wanna become one of the walking undead and be cursed to eternal unlife and suffering?

Edgar: That's completely against my religion but I'd gladly give up Heaven so I could become a horrible, blood-sucking monster! Bite me, big boy!

After being bitten Edgar melts into a puddle of wax. Wow, didn't see that coming.

Nny: Oh. You're dead.

Actually, Nny, Edgar isn't _quite_ dead. He's just a puddle.

Nny: Oh. Can we still have sex?

Yes.

Then they have sex. Again. Wow, is this turning into a lemon?

After the scene I mean plot advancement bunny hops along joyfully, we are introduced to a beautiful garden of roses and love.

Nny: I'm going to kill you.

Edgar: NO U WONT!11one

Nny grabs a knife and tries to stab Edgar. However, unbeknownst to Johnny, Edgar is a superhero! Using his ultra super powers, our little God Boy takes Nny's knife and STABS HIM WITH IT.

Nny: O NOS IM DED XX

Edgar: My life has been saved…but at what cost?

The cost of your sanity, Edgar. Your sanity. And a plague on both your houses! Hey, it could happen!

Edgar: I am now feeling suicidal. Goodbye, cruel world!

Edgar stabs himself and dies and becomes an angel, while Nny becomes a demon. This is oh-so-predictable.

Edgar: insert misinterpreted Catholic mythology here

Nny: Let's have sex, because God knows nothing's more creative than an angel and a demon having sex!

Something tells me I'm gonna regret writing this.

Nny then inserts his glowing jewel-encrusted stick of glory into Edgar's plughole. Nny plunges in his thung along with the shower head already inside little God Boy, and moves it around like a cowboy rides a donkey. Horse. Whatever.

After a very long bout of poorly described sex without removing any articles of clothing, they both disappear for no particular reason and are warped into another dimension. Yes, that's right. It's an AU.

In this particular dimension, the entire world's population is wiped out due to a horrible disease. Edgar somehow catches it.

Edgar: I'm going to die.

Nny: Although we technically already did, yes, Edgar, you are.

Edgar: Can we have sex first?

Nny: Sure.

Ahh, the wonders of a badly written parody during fits of boredom and breaking of promises.

Just before Johnny is about to spurt Edgar three feet away with his superpowered manjuices, the plot bunnies escape! Drat, foiled again! This time they trample everyone and everyone dies.

Edgar: I thought everyone was already dead.

Don't ask questions, Edgar.

Thus ends the first chapter. In our "exiting" next installment, Edgar and Johnny have escaped the plot bunnies! But, can they tackle the Typo Demon?


	2. Let's Dancing!

Continuing from where we left off, our heroes have just had sex. Man, how many times has it been now? And JESUS THEY EVEN HAD SEX WHEN EDGAR WAS A PUDDLE. Okay, this all going off topic. Back on task you silly author, you!

A dark and brooding individual, also a foreign exchange student, has arrived! He is the fairies' midwife and holy crap where did that come from? He is the Prince of Darkness and enjoys nothing ore than ruining the English language. He is…

THE TYPO DEMON.

Demon: Okya, jsut gte ot teh poitn, lsoer.

My, my. So hostile. Okay, okay, setting the scene. Edgar and Nny are cradling a baby, because no one can truly be in love unless they have a baby. Man I hate AutoComplete.

Edgar: Darling, this baby is simple darling! Oh, look at those darling eyes and his darling darling of darling and wow I sure do like this word, don't I, darling?

Nny: No!

Edgar: Shall we give him an equally darling name?

Nny: No!

Edgar: Why are you being so disagreeable?

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS.

Edgar: Whoopsy daisy.

Now then, what shall you name the baby?

Edgar: Lemme see here.

Meanwhile, in the corner, Typo Demon is scheming terrible schemes and dreaming terrible dreams because I like that song.

Demon: Adn nveer agian sahll teh ctas lal emet ot dnace ta teh ned fo Itfanny Steret.

I liked that book.

Demon: Waht bkoo?

_The Cats of Tiffany Street_. It was so sad.

Demon: Wahtever. Nwo tehn…

Edgar: I think we'll name him –

Here comes the big moment, folks!

Edgar: KOGAR!

Wait, something's not right here.

Nny: WTF/slash!11

Edgar: Hogae!

Typo Demon cackles, and Edgar facepalms. Ahh, another vocab word! Study hard, liddle chilluns!

Edgar: …Jofsr!

Man, how embarrassing.

Finally our darling Johnny catches on and kills Typo Demon. Such a short life. May he rest in peace.

Edgar: JOGAR.

Suddenly the audience cracks up, because the name Jogar is far more hilarious than anything Edgar has previously suggested as the baby's name. I mean, Jesus Christ. JOGAR. Man, someone should get out more often.

Anyway, now that Jogar snerk has a name…

Edgar: Wait, how did I have a kid?

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

Nny: Yeah, Edgar. GOD. WTF?

Nobody will ever know why our favorite homicidal maniac has become so obsessed with the phrase WTF, but I guess I'd be a hypocrite if I asked why, now, wouldn't I?

Edgar: …

DOT DOT DOT, EDGAR.

Edgar: What's wrong with you?

Something terrible. Now, let's get on with this story, eh?

Edgar: Yeah, yeah.

Our scene shifts to that of a busy city street, full of hussle bussle busy busy shizzy dizzy. Edgar and Nny have apparently left Jogar to his doom, but who cares? Now they're both dancing queens!

Both are breakdancing like regular gangsta pros, yo yo homey g-dawg let's smoke-a da buddha. Ahh, fads.

Then, Lie got bored of writing and felt extremely tired and unmotivated, and everyone had a ridiculous orgy and then died. Woohoo.

When next we find our heroes, they seem to have met up with the cold clammy hands of plot derailment! CURSES.


	3. WHAT IS THISSSSSS

Once upon a time there was a girl named Lie. One day she read a fic of fics by a fic writer, and so she decided she'd write one herself based off those ideas as a joke and send it in. She was hoping for good responses.

Fortunately, her wish was granted.

AND THEN she went and wrote more. Joy!

Okay, let's get back to work here. Now, where were we? Ahh, yes!

Gangstas are hot. So are our two heroes. So, so, so hot. Aren't they? It just makes me wanna saqueeleel and say WOW! at how hot they are. Edgar is a great example.

Edgar: I can't believe I let you get me into this.

Neither can I. I amaze myself.

Now, anyway, since Edgar is being all complaintative THAT'S A WORD we'll now have a scenario change!

Edgar is experiencing pure, untamed erotica…and enjoying _every minute of it_.

Edgar: You bet your belly button I am! OH MY GOD DID I JUST SAY THAT

You bet your belly button you did, my darling dearest.

Nny: Psst…I think she's right.

Just as that happens a TRAIN ZOOMS BY AZOOMZOOM ATUCKTUCK hahahaha onomatopoeia!

Nny: How could this have happened? I used lube, I swear!

…Wait a minute here.

Nny: FOR MY CAR I SWEAR OH GOD WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT

Yeah, the car YOU DON'T HAVE

Nny: …Man. I got nothin'.

I WIN! OH YEAH BABY.

Talk about plot derailment. Where is this going?

Edgar: (running in circles with eye swirlies) BABIE SBABIES BABIEEEESSSSSS!

I swear I'm not high! Jesus Christ, what's compelling me to write this? I have lost my MIIIIND. Oh, hey, songfic time! Because, lord knows, SAWNGFIKZ R A GREIT WEI 2 EKSPREZZ KREEAYTIVUTTY!1!11one Oh man. I've just sank to the lowest of the low.

Because I like weird music, I'm gonna use a weird song. And it's gonna be totally unrelated. That's how most songfics are, after all. If you don't know that, go browsing. I'm not kidding.

OH HAHAHA I KNOW THE PERFECT SONG OH MAN

_Tell me a secret, I'll tell you mine..._

Edgar suddenly leaps dramatically across the screen. Yes, I know that has nothing to do with the lyrics. STOP LAUGHING AT ME IM HANDYCAPD ;.;.;.;.;.;;. OMZGZOZKZOZMZHz

_Tell me about desires you hide inside…_

And then he falls down. Ouch!

And holy crap. I just can't wrote any more of that.

Edgar suddenly gets hit by the train that zoomed by earlier in such a subtle way. Bonecushbonecrush. ATUCKTUCKTUCK that was the worst fic I've ever read. I hope it was a joke.

You know, I'd kill for some MacDonald's right about now. I should go get some money.

This chapter is absolutely horrible. I can't believe I'm writing this. I fail to see any relevance whatsoever. Man I need sleep. And some Cheetos would be nice too.

Gah, my computer's crapping out on me.

What a pointless chapter.

Coming soon: Body switching ensues! But can the author stay on topic and quit going off on stupid tangents…like she ALWAYS DOES?


End file.
